I’ll wait here for a few minutes while you go pee.

Ready? In case you have pregnancy brain (it’s real, people, and it’s a BITCH), this is the post where we commiserate over being pregnant. Unless you are one of those people who actually glow, and enjoy being sleepy, slow and swollen. In that case, I hate you. Just kidding! (Sort of.)

When you are pregnant (especially when it’s your first), you will be under a constant barrage of unsolicited advice. (Not to mention the spontaneous belly touching by strangers. Sorry I mentioned it. I didn’t mean to bring up traumatic memories of the time that woman in CVS rubbed your belly after asking, “Is it okay, I just love babies!”) But while nine out of every ten pieces of advice you receive will be as helpful as a toddler who wants to dress himself when you’re running late in the morning, there will be that one magical piece of intel that will make a piece of your life easier to manage.  So, when faced with the random people in the food store telling you all about how they got their little Max to sleep through the night–smile, nod and listen. And if you need to, smack their hand away when they go to grope your protruding stomach. You’re pregnant, they’ll forgive you.

Be prepared to answer the following questions on the regular, as soon as you are starting to show: “When’s the baby due? Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?” And if you have two girls, like me, you’ll be on the receiving end of a knowing smile and a “going for the boy?” nod. Instead of saying it’s none of their business, just say you have to pee. (Do you need to go again? Cause I’ll wait.)

Listen to friends you trust, read whatever you can, and throw it all out the window the minute it doesn’t work for you. Know that whatever your doctor tells you, your mother did it the opposite way and she will constantly remind you that “you turned out just fine.” And remember this: don’t ever tell anyone your baby is on a schedule or sleeps through the night. Scientific fact*: That almost immediately leads to the streak being broken. (*All “scientific facts” referenced in this blog are based on absolute nonsense and not approved by The American Academy of Pediatrics. But seriously, those are the same people who talk about screen time limits but HAVE ANY ONE OF THEM EVER HAD TO ACTUALLY GET SOMETHING DONE WHILE WATCHING A CHILD? I will gladly let Disney Junior take credit for teaching my children how to count and identify colors while I took a shower #twobirdsonestone.) In sum, do your kegels, write everything down because you probably won’t remember, and make sure to upgrade your cable to include kids channels before you have that baby. Oh, and congratulations!