Thinking of having three kids? Read this first.

If you decide to make the leap from two to three children, or even if you don’t decide and it just happens (hi, Jack! We love you!), you discover you are automatically entered in to a special club. VIP membership if you have them all in a relatively short time span (hi, Sam and Colette! We love you, too!). This lifetime membership costs you sleep, some brain cells, and any semblance of maintaining order (hi, OCD! I hate you!). From the minute you are noticeably pregnant, people are giving their advice and championing whatever lifestyle works best for them. But when you hit Three Kid Level, it’s surprisingly consistent the comments you receive, and the lifestyle adjustments you have to make. Be prepared for the following:

• Never being able to go out. You thought it was tough getting babysitting for two kids? Try getting coverage for your crazy trifecta. Never gonna happen. Adjust your expectations. For a stretch of time, using tri-color pasta will be the most exciting part of your week. Get used to it.
• You will hear at least 42 times a day, mostly from strangers, “You have your hands full!” They mean well, they do. Just smile and nod and pray they hold the door open for you.
• Friends offhandedly say they are “sooooo tired” and then look at you and feel horrible. *Note to friends: it’s okay. You’re allowed to be tired, too.
• You may hear comments like, “You look so good…for having three children!” (Um, thank you?) You’ll also field gems along the lines of “I am SO glad I am out of the baby phase” while people are looking directly at you and your little ones. (Yes, these comments have happened to me. More than once. If you have good responses please include in the comments below. I’ll send you a check for $5.)
• You have to start carrying around smelling salts for all the older generations of women who, when approaching you in public spaces, look horrified when they find out you work. Full-time. And that your kids are in daycare. The horror!
• Speaking of daycare, a zebra can sneeze a million miles away and someone will inevitably blame it on your kids and their daycare germs.
• When one of the grandmas is watching the kids, you will inevitably come home to a full gallon of milk empty, a spatula in your closet and at least one child in a Halloween costume from three years ago. You will tell yourself they were loved immensely that day…even though your house is a mess and why was the furniture rearranged?
• If you ever happen to mention you feel nauseous: coworkers will look at you with the death stare and grandmas will look at you and grin excitedly EVEN THOUGH YOU REPEATEDLY TELL THEM YOUR HUSBAND HAD A VASECTOMY. *Booked before the urine on the pregnancy test was dry.
• With three kids, baths are infrequent and frankly annoying to fit in to your schedule. When you have extra time at night, just do it. It will never be easier to fit in the next night.
• Replace “bath” with “sex” in previous sentence.

If you are the type to make major life decisions based on blog posts, I hope this helped you with your family planning. And if you have received any back-handed compliments or have any other advice I’m missing, comment below! (I won’t send you a check for $5, but consider your contribution priceless.)