I missed the mom memo.

I don’t get it.

Somewhere in the journey from one too many margaritas to having a kid (or three), I missed the mom memo. You know, the one that explains things. Comes with a recipe for spaghetti sauce, a link to the website to buy those one-size-fits-all leggings and tells you what day sign-up starts for the most popular activity in town. I would imagine this memo explains WTF “box tops” are, and why they are apparently critical to the fiscal budget of my kid’s elementary school. Don’t my taxes suffice, or do you really need my mac n’ cheese UPS labels pasted to a sheet of paper to help my school’s economic outlook? I’m so confused (and slightly concerned).

I wonder if this memo also explains how to do kids’ hair. I was blessed with two little girls with beautiful heads of hair. But unfortunately they usually look like Jodi Foster from that movie where she was raised feral in the woods and never had access to a Chi hair straightener. And even when I try (see before-school-picture evidence in above left photo), I still fail (see actual-school-picture evidence in above right photo). Why didn’t they give me instructions on French braiding along with the ultrasound photos that announced we were having a girl?

One day I’ll need to apologize to my firstborn for not really knowing what I was doing. I hope she’ll forgive me, and sit patiently next to me while I watch YouTube videos on popular hair styles. One day I may even have a Pinterest page dedicated to “Sewing your own Halloween costumes” (replacing my current pins of tiny tattoos and trendy outfits). Until then, just know I tried. And in the meantime, if you are one of those moms that knows proper screen time limits, how to make your own chicken nuggets and what to say when a kid asks you about sex or death, can you please forward me that email that explained it all to you? Thank you!