Dear Husband,

Despite my penchant for visiting psychics in addition to my Type A personality, even I’ll admit you never know what the future may bring. So if I’ll die tomorrow, there are a few important things you’ll need to know:

• When all else fails, ask Samantha what to do. She is by far the most responsible human being in our house. She even reminds me when I need to put gas in the car (seriously). But if she tells you to make a quesadilla in the microwave (grandma, how did you ever fall for that?) or that she can play Legos all night instead of eating dinner with her siblings, she’s full of shit.
• Speaking of shit, no one in our house below 4 feet tall can adequately wipe their own ass. Sorry, I’ve failed as a parent on that one. If you’re not on top of things, be prepared for #skidmarklife.
• Some food clarification: Colette calls cookies “crackers,” Jack calls water “milk,” and Sam buys gummy bears every day at school even though she thinks I don’t know. Just go with it.
• It took Colette 12 mommy & me music classes before she made eye contact with the teacher…followed quickly by breakdancing to Rick James’ “Freak Out” and performing the alphabet song solo in front of the entire class. Be patient with that one and great things will come.
• Jack cries when I yell at the dog or his sisters, learned at 15-months-old how to open the pantry to get snacks, and fights holding my hand in the parking lot. He is sensitive, smart and stubborn. If there comes a time when you can legally micro-chip your kid, be first in line with him.
• Let the local liquor store know to adjust (ahem, lower) the inventory for magnum sized Barefoot Pinot Grigio.
• I load the dishwasher better than you. And since I’m technically dead, I have the last word on this one which automatically makes me right.
• Garbage goes out on Wednesdays and Saturdays and bills are paid on the 15^th of every month. Just kidding, I have no idea since you handle all that. Thanks for doing me a solid all these years.
• Please wash their sheets. I feel like that’s something you’d forget.
• When you’re home with the kids all day, if you want them to go to bed on time it’s best to start the bed time routine sometime after lunch. Read up on ISIS hostage situations to prepare yourself for tooth-brushing negotiations with Samantha; stretch and do your lunges to be ready for the 72 times you need to bring Colette back to bed; and be ready to give Jack 1,000 kisses (wait, maybe that’s just a mama’s boy thing?).
• You’ll be a hot single dad to three young kids. Women will flock to you. But if you start dating within a year, I’ll haunt you for life.

Xoxo

Your Loving Wife